The day I realized I was toxic.
A little over two years ago I began my healing journey.
With the healing came much pain and self discovery.
I was struggling with severe anxiety and depression and God healed me. It was an amazing experience that I will share about at another time, in another blog...
With that healing, I began a mission to “manage my miracle.” As Steven Furtick would say.
I began reading, seeing doctors, focusing on making sure I never sank to the place I had been again.
I was reading an article, honestly I don’t remember what the exact article was, but it began listing the traits of a “toxic friend.”
As I was reading it, I suddenly realized that I encompassed most of the toxic traits. Whether it was jealousy, selfishness, anger, manipulation, control, negative communication, or disrespect; I displayed all of those traits at one time or another and more.
As time went on, those traits had become more and more of the identity I portrayed to the world. It was the identity I had come to own, it was the identity people had come to see me as. I had become toxic.
Thankfully, God pointed these things out to me as I was moving forward in my healing journey. It was hard looking back and realizing all the times my toxicity had taken over in life. I hated seeing the truth of who I had been and how my toxic nature negatively affected people I loved.
Yet, I was so grateful that I was able to finally see the truth. I was finally able to stop pointing the finger at others and own my toxic junk.
I spent years being angry at others. Blaming them for my issues and pain. Blaming them for where I was at in life. Blaming them for my problems.
Despite the fact that there are definitely things out of our control that happen to us; we have no right to blame others.
Bad stuff happens. People can be jerks. Doors get slammed shut in our faces. We get rejected, lied to, cheated on, and abused. If we take the pain of that rejection, the hurt of the lies, the disrepair of the cheating and abuse and turn it into bitterness and anger; that is on us.
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.”
Ephesians 4:31-32 NLT
I finally realized that no matter the circumstances I experienced in life, the state of my heart was truly all that mattered and I was the only one to blame for letting my heart get chained in bitterness and negativity.
It was then that I stopped blaming others and continued my journey of managing my miracle.
-Toxic Christian
